Beware the Ides of March

There are still four days left of The Wait as I finish up my last cycle on Follistim. I fully expect the results to be negative thanks to the relentless attack endo has been waging for months near my one and only tube and ovary. That's the only place that ever hurts, and boy does it hurt. Also the sperm count was pretty rotten at IUI this time around. A few hours after the IUI, during church, I could swear I felt an egg popping out! So I seduced hubby there in the pew. We ditched the kids at church and I made him take me home immediately to make another (hopefully better) deposit before he had to rush back to church to teach a lesson. I'm a desperate woman.

I've been passing the time researching IVF and hoping to find out before Beta Day whether it's a viable option for us. I needed to know if bad news on Friday means The End For Good or just The End For Now. After much research and many phone calls, I was shocked - shocked, I tell you - to get accepted for the Cost Sharing Program at my clinic despite my losses and one ovary. Things were moving along at breathtaking speed so that we could get started next month! This might really work! Of course it might also be an even more painful and expensive way to fail, but I was cautiously optimistic. Recent years have turned me into a big pessimist and it felt good to have a little optimism, even just the small cautious type. Yes, I dared feel a little bit happy about the possibility of Something Good finally happening. That, of course, is the cue for Something Terrible to occur.

Hubby got fired! At this point, it is unclear exactly why he's fired or exactly when he's cut off as he's expected to work until the replacement is brought on. Since he works for a very large corporation, there's some hope (though not a whole lot in this economy) of finding work within the company by using the many contacts he's been cultivating in anticipation of this very event. But for now we are in survival mode (wait - isn't that where we've been for years already?!) unable to plan on ANYTHING - not income, not insurance, not spring break in exotic Illinois, and certainly not stressful and expensive IVF. No future plans of any kind. Now there's even more stress piled on when we already felt stressed nearly to the breaking point.

On second thought, I don't think I'm a pessimist at all. I'm just a realist - and life really, really sucks right now. Oh, things could be worse. We know that because they've been getting progressively worse for years now. But . . . at least we have some savings and aren't tethered to a house, which we're absolutely giddy about. And we're all reasonably healthy with no deadly diseases - just endo which sometimes makes me wish I were dead. See, I can look on the bright side. I'm a pessimistically optimistic realist.