Hanging in There

Well, it was more bad news yesterday. The cyst is still there and at 2.7 cm is nearly as big as it was a month ago (2.9) and the prodding has made it painful again. The ultrasound was to be in the morning but got bumped to afternoon because of insurance issues. Our COBRA coverage is not officially in place yet, so we had to fork over $750 before I could be seen. We'll get it back, of course, once our coverage is official but in the meantime we're hemorrhaging money, causing even more stress.

Any IVF efforts are officially delayed. This could be a good thing - maybe things will be less stressful in a month or so? There I go hoping again. I try to tell myself not to be so stupid as to hope. It only makes things harder.

It was lucky, I guess, that the ultrasound was delayed because I was able to keep it together during the psychologist visit in the morning. The hour appointment with her wasn't long enough to cover everything (she says we have an awfully lot going on right now. Gee, d'ya think?) so we had to schedule another for next week.

These are both rather small items of bad news but it's terribly frustrating to be unable to plan anything in my life. Not just IF treatment, but anything since I've also developed another very painful medical problem that makes it difficult even to walk sometimes. I wish I could just get a new body from the waist down. All this stress is bringing on scary and very frequent heart palpitations and also shortness of breath. In short, I am a total wreck. So is my house and I've been physically unable to get it in order.

A few years ago (before the losses) I had a small but intensely painful wound that could not heal because it tore open again nearly every day for fifteen months. That is how I see my life now - never being able to heal or move on because my wounds are constantly being ripped open again. It would help tremendously if I could just know that life will someday be more than just pain. I don't even get a chance to recover or even catch my breath after each painful blow before I have to deal with another and another and another. For now, I'm just trying to hang in there. Sorry, gallows humor is the only kind I can manage today!

Freaking Out

So here's a quick update, since Q dominates the computer day and night with job hunting:

I'm freaking out because I have a sonohystogram (SHG) appointment tomorrow to check the status of the most recent cyst and determine the feasibility of aggressively pursuing IVF this cycle. Also there's the catheter fitting. Fun stuff. Lately I've been very hopeful since the cyst pain never got awful and had all but disappeared. Then a few days ago I started having a little pain again. I'm not stressed about the SHG itself (done it before - piece of cake), but I'm completely terrified of getting more bad news. I just can't take any more right now!

Immediately after the sono, Q and I have an appointment with the psychologist (this is also an IVF prerequisite). Hopefully the sono will be good news, otherwise what's the point of this? So IVF. With one ovary. On unemployment and COBRA insurance. After three consecutive losses, two of which were traumatic second-trimester losses. Yes, Miss Shrink, we are a couple of really sane people. Really.

As for Q, no interviews yet, but he's applied for many jobs in the area that would be a good fit for him. He's being very aggressive and networking with influential, high-up people in many of these companies. Something's bound to work out for us, right? Meanwhile, he has set up his office here at home and I am his administrative assistant. Aside from all the sexual harassment that goes on, it's a much more professional environment than his previous job.

What to Do With a Load of Crap

Thanks to those who left comments on my post regarding simultaneous unemployment and IVF. I was very interested to see that other couples have been in the same situation we find ourselves in now. We are having a very difficult time deciding what to do now that we have this huge new problem on top of the load of crap we were already dealing with.

A few days after hubby lost his job, I told him I was going to get us a load of shit 'cuz we just don't have enough of it already. So here I am loading it into the back of our van.



This is a big disgusting pile of free manure that our city provides for gardeners. Here's where I see an analogy to our current dilemma: I could either stand there in the foul mess and become overwhelmed by the stench or start shoveling and hope that I can use this to make something grow.


I planted these a week ago and even though snow was forecasted last weekend (in May?!), we didn't get any. The plants are looking pretty beat up right now, but they are alive! I wonder - what would happen if we tried IVF even now with so much against us? In the midst of all this crap and though some would forecast doom, might we end up with something alive and beautiful?

A Small Victory in the Midst of Defeat

In the midst of chaos and uncertainty, I have at least managed to pull off a small victory . . .

Goal #1 has been achieved! I ran 10 miles yesterday for a total of 26.2 miles in five days - the equivalent of a marathon.

The Weight of It All

Currently the rest of the family is at church and I am home alone, having fallen ill last night. This is, I think, a great blessing for certain members of our congregation because if ONE MORE PERSON comes up to me and tells me that our latest misfortune is all part of God's Beautiful Plan and that He Really Loves Us, that person had better run away FAST.



We are now struggling under the strain of five major problems, any one of which is enough to put immense strain on a marriage and family. We of course have them all at once, and each problem added to the load not only adds its own weight, but impacts all the other problems so as to make them even more burdensome and difficult to resolve. All of these problems are interrelated - to solve just one of them would set off a positive chain reaction and bring our family some desperately needed relief. But instead, more keeps getting added on, making it even more difficult to resolve anything.

Hubby is now unemployed. We have no income or insurance. To add insult to serious injury, it remains unclear exactly why he was fired, as he's never committed what any sane professional would consider a firable offense. I won't go into the list of petty offenses he's been accused of, but they're laughable! All we know for sure is that his boss is a jerk of the highest order and although it's good for hubby to be out of that toxic environment, he needs another job to go to! We had high hopes right up until Friday that it wouldn't come to this. It seemed plausible even in the midst of this major recession that hubby could transition into another job within the company - it's gigantic and he has lots of connections. But now that he's been fired and is no longer an insider in the company it's all a lot more complicated.

On top of that, we were just six weeks away from being able to try IVF and there's no way to do it without income and insurance. Has anyone out there been desperate and insane enough to do IVF while on unemployment and COBRA insurance?

Although IVF may not result in a baby, trying it would mean being able to say "We tried everything we could". It would mean being able to put the issue of infertility aside because there's just nowhere else to go with it. And even though I know the pain will never really go away, it would be easier to bear without "what ifs" and regrets that we didn't go all the way. We have only six months left to make it happen before I turn 35, after which it gets a lot more expensive and success rates decline sharply.

The lack of insurance means we likewise cannot deal with my recurrent cysts and pain problems - if we could figure that out I suspect we may get at that darn infertility problem, too! Being in pain so much of the time makes me depressed, irritable, impatient, and unable to think clearly. I simply can't function in a normal way, which makes me feel like a horrible failure as a wife and mother, which in turn makes me even more depressed.

And of course there are other big problems not mentioned here, besides the normal every day stuff. You can just imagine what a fun couple hubby and I are right now. The passion. The romance. Not. We've weathered storms together before, but how can we ever survive and rebuild ourselves when they're this bad, this long, and this frequent? I love hubby and I know he loves me, but we need something good to happen for us right now.