Ravings

I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind

Even though we've switched clinics and are cleared to proceed with IVF barring any bad news at Thursday's appointment, I am still upset about last week when The Other Clinic convicted me in absentia of being too nuts to do IVF.

Prior to our last meeting with the counselor, I told hubby that I was afraid of prejudicial treatment simply because we've had so many difficult situations to deal with in a short span of time. Turns out I was right. The counselor views IVF only as an additional stressor and therefore concludes it's "unethical" for me to pursue it. I view IVF as a route to long-term peace and closure, though I recognize it will be additional stress in the short term.

Here's a recap of our meeting: The counselor started by going over the results of our personality tests - the notorious MMPI. I generally see personality tests as little more than an interesting diversion. Call me crazy, but I don't think it's ethical to use them as the sole determinant in making life-altering decisions on behalf of others.

She showed us our MMPI results, which are graphed as in the photo below. Hubby falls entirely in the "normal/subnormal" range. My graph fell completely in the "normal" range except for a higher than average level of "depressed mood".


She then spent a few minutes harping on the fact that both hubby and I answered the following question in the affirmative: "Have you had strange or unusual experiences?" We now know that psychologists see this as a red flag that you are nuts. I contend that most everyone has had some strange or unusual experiences by mid-life and that you are strange and unusual if you have not.

We explained that we are not nuts and have actually had strange and unusual experiences, particularly having to bury two of our children just six months apart. I would certainly hope this counts as unusual. In addition, we noted that we've both had unusual experiences during our adventurous pre-marriage years, including but not limited to:

• swimming with sharks
• traveling full circle around the world
• eating a rat
• engaging in public nudity
• being threatened with a bayonet at the end of a machine gun

Even though it's a great story, I did not mention that I once had an imaginary Chinese fiance because that sounds a little crazy!

Next she pointed out that hubby is very much an extrovert and I am an introvert, but "not TOO much". I definitely got the impression that extrovert = good and sane but introvert = bad and mentally unbalanced. This seems to be a pervasive view in our society and it has always annoyed me. Introverts are good and sane people, too!

Near the end she brought up BMI (body mass index). This apparently is the only area in life where I compare favorably to hubby. My BMI is perfect thank you very much, but hubby has long been afflicted by a gut which is only getting worse thanks to stress-induced overeating. We are both aware that this is not a good situation, but it affects IVF not at all, so why bring it up? I suspect this was an attempt on her part to soften what had been a barrage of criticism about me.

In summary, I feel misjudged, underestimated, slandered, and maligned. Also, I have a much dimmer view of psychology in general. But I am delighted that we flew right over this roadblock at high speed by switching clinics and believe that doing so is ethical, pragmatic, and eminently sane.


I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

Lyrics are from "Unwell" by Matchbox 20.