A Shocking Development

I've been dying to write a post saying I've got good news for a change and I was hoping today would be such a day. For the last two weeks, I've been feeling pretty great. We had a nice little vacation to visit family. Also we've been on lots of fun family outings nearby lately thanks to unusually warm and wonderful weather here.

It's totally off-topic, but this is pretty funny (must have some humor because the rest of this post sucks):



The best thing about the last few weeks is that I've had hardly any pain at all. I certainly took this as a good sign. I was finally able to get excited about IVF #2, which would feature much higher stim doses and Lovenox from transfer. I felt these would be two big improvements over last cycle. I dared to be a little optimistic. Stupid me. I should know better by now.

I've been on Lupron for 10 days and took my last pill Wednesday of last week. But nothing happened. No bleeding. No spotting. It's quite bizarre that after years of desperately hoping my period wouldn't come, I am now desperately hoping that it will.

By yesterday I knew that something was very wrong, so I went into today's ultrasound with dread in my heart. The endometrioma is still there, same size, but has now been joined by what appear to be TWO MORE endometriomas. One ovary. Three endometriomas. *sob* The antral follicle count is eight, which seems pretty dismal. Last time there were eleven. But it is completelly irrelevant at this point because obviously I can't move forward. I have to bleed first, and there's no sign of it happening. Also my estrogen is too high (192 - should be under 50). My doctor called and said to stay on 20 units of Lupron and come back on Friday. IF I bleed and get the estrogen down, I might still be able to proceed, though not with much optimism. If not, this appears to be the end of the road for me.

Financially we cannot proceed with treatment after January 1, 2011. Months ago we paid for a three try cost-sharing plan under which we get our money back if we don't end up with a baby. Try #1 failed, try #2 could fit it this year but is now in jeopardy, and time constraints make it impossible for there to be a #3. The plan we're on covers the actual IVF but not the drugs or monitoring, which easily total $7000 per cycle without insurance. Right now we're fine because we have great coverage, but as of January 1 the COBRA plan we're using for infertility will no longer provide any coverage. No coverage is available through hubby's new employer. In just days we lost the hope of a third try and also quite possibly a second. Without the IVF, we have NO hope.

I am so grateful for my two living children. Without them I could not get up in the mornings. Ending my family with burying two babies, though, has left gaping wounds. It has caused such destruction in all aspects of life that some days I wonder if hubby and I will be able to keep our little truncated family intact. The person that my husband married died in 2007 and I am a very poor substitute.

I fought SO hard to have this chance. Dodged bullet after bullet . . . the stupid counselor, unemployment, and horrible insurance just to name a few. Next week I turn 35 - the dreaded fertility drop-off. What a heartbreaking plunge it might be. It can't end this way. It just can't.