Bless This Mess

Well, it appears that for now at least I've managed to get around infertility.  It's a great time for this great news since hubby and I just had our nine year anniversary yesterday AND it's December, the hardest time of year for me. Good news really helps.  But I can't help but wonder - is this my long-awaited miracle or just the precursor to more tragedy?  Will this little one stick?  Over the course of one day, I've transitioned from total despair thinking this cycle failed to both excitement and abject terror in equal measure. I try to distract myself, but I'm good at multi-tasking.  No matter what I'm doing, I can also obsess about this at the same time!

Now that I've got a minute, I'll tell you the Tale of the Two Week Wait in Hell.  Actually, it was only nine days from transfer to beta, but it sure seemed longer.  Post-transfer I was optimistic for two whole days.  I was high on hope and drugs.  Then I started to go downhill, reaching Soul-Crushing Despair Mode by late Saturday, five days post-transfer.  Sunday through Tuesday I was certain this hadn't worked thanks to some cramping and ovarian pain, which I assumed was the endo preparing for action.  Wednesday I grabbed a test from my bathroom stash and used it.  It looked like there may be a second line, but it was impossible to say for sure.  I wasn't even certain the test actually was a pregnancy test as opposed to an ovulation predictor test.  The only markings on the wrapper were lot #, expiration date, etc. and that's all I had at the time.  I acquired a digital pregnancy test and used it early Thursday, fully expecting it to be negative.  It wasn't!

This is the sixth time I've been pregnant.  Every previous pregnancy featured symptoms (sore boobs, nausea) for at least a couple of days before my period was expected.  This time there is nothing and that terrifies me.  Now I know why - low progesterone - and I've upped my doses but still no sign of pregnancy symptoms.  I want to have sore boobs.  I want to spend my mornings throwing up.  I want to feel awful so I can feel good about this pregnancy.

I'm extremely frustrated that because of the weekend, I have to wait clear until Monday to find out if my hormone levels are rising.  With my last pregnancy nearly TWO YEARS ago, I got a positive test only to find out three days later (yes, another wretched weekend wait!) that it was not viable.  To say that I am petrified is a gross understatement.  I'm a spectacular mess and I've really appreciated all of your prayers and kind words.  It means a lot.  Please keep those prayers coming for this little one!