High Anxiety

Today is the four year anniversary of Jeremiah being born still.  No doubt this is contributing to a rather bad patch of anxiety lately.  Some of my symptoms have lessened a bit (boobs not as sore, nausea not quite as bad) and that always triggers a freak-out. Also, even though I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, my guts are hating it.  Obviously, any organ in the pelvic area that engages in violent behaviour also triggers a freak-out, so I am a wreck. Never mind that this has happened before and everything has been fine.  Never mind that it's logical for symptoms to wane now that my progesterone/estradiol dosages have been reduced.  I've set up an ultrasound appointment at the fertility clinic for Friday because I just can't take this anymore. Hopefully it will put my mind at ease so I can be a more pleasant person over the weekend.

Sadly I always think in terms of if with this pregnancy, but if the little one is still alive and well then my first appointment at the high-risk clinic is next week on Thursday.  First an ultrasound, then meeting with the genetic counselor (which I predict will be utterly pointless), and then we'll meet with the OB. 

Today a lady from my insurance company called trying to get me enrolled in their Healthy Pregnancy program:

Her: "Congratulations!  We received information that you're expecting!" 
Me: "No, I do not think that's the word I would use." (I really hate that word.)
Her: (slightly flustered) "Oh, but you're pregnant right?"
Me; "Well, yes, if nothing's gone wrong since last week."

She then proceeded to explain the benefits of the program: There's a small financial incentive for participating.  I would receive a sappy info packet full of information I've known for years and pictures of happy normal pregnant women who are clearly not at all worried that their babies will die.  I would get phone calls from cheerful nurses at various points along the way to help me with any concerns.  I'm pretty sure my concerns and questions will be above their pay grade. Thanks, but no thanks.

I'm just trying to make it one day at a time, but some days seem so loooooong!!  For now my coping strategy involves procrastination.  I will take it easy instead of doing housework, balancing the checkbook, and all other tasks that need doing:

Somehow, I have to keep my tenuous grip on sanity for one more day, and then hopefully I'll get some good news to see me through the next week.  Hey, I'm feeling pretty ill all of a sudden!  Woohoo!!  I'm off to get a snack and will report back on Friday.  In the meantime, say hi and tell me a bit about yourself if you haven't before.  It's International Blog Delurking Week!