A Raising Up

I named my rainbow baby Anastasia because I loved how the meaning of the name is so pertinent to what we had to go through to have her.  The meaning is usually said to be "resurrection", but there is more to it than that.  Anastasia comes from the Greek word anastasis, which also means "a raising up" and "a recovery from a debilitating condition".  She has been all of this and more for our family.

For me, the depression and anxiety documented earlier on this blog lifted completely once Anastasia was born, just as I expected it would.  What I didn't expect was the great improvement in health I've been enjoying.  It is well known that pregnancy and breastfeeding can put endometriosis into remission.  To my surprise, it has stayed that way even after she was weaned.  The pelvic pain that plagued me for a DECADE, sometimes causing constant pain lasting for months, has been entirely gone these last four years!  This has been a lovely surprise and has enabled me to do things that were difficult before.  For example, I used to be unable to sit for long periods without pain, which made things like traveling and watching movies unpleasant. Now, to Q's great joy, I am capable of sitting around for hours at a time.

Good thing I can sit around, because this pregnancy is kicking my butt like no other before it.  I am utterly exhausted much of the time. My age is surely to blame at least in part, and severe anxiety doesn't help either. My house is often disgusting since I can't keep up with the dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc.  Also I only make real dinners a couple of times a week.  The rest of the time we rely on convenience foods from the supermarket.  It's great to have this option, but it is not good for the budget nor is it as appealing as a home cooked meal.  

The anxiety with this pregnancy has been very much like last time, but with other added stressors thrown in as well.  With my last pregnancy, we knew what we were in for and simplified our lives to make it easier to handle.  Can't simplify so much this time around.  

The biggest difference with this pregnancy is that I'm coming at it from a very different angle.  Last time I was starting from the bottom, climbing week by week out of an abysmally deep depression and finally being raised up even higher than I'd dared to hope.  The view from the top is stunning.

With this new pregnancy I begin at the top, which is obviously a plus.  However, when I peer over the edge of the cliff and see the dark depths where I was not so very long ago, I am filled with a terror that is beyond words.  To fall from such a height would surely be...well, it's probably best not to think it.

This is where I stand at nineteen weeks. Miles died at nineteen weeks.  Jeremiah died at twenty-one.  My next appointment is on Wednesday, when I hope to get some good images of the cord.  Friday I leave for a family reunion.  The timing is less than ideal in my mind, but hopefully it will be a good distraction so I won't feel stalked by death every single moment.  If I run away fast enough and go far enough, maybe death won't find me this time!